


Ashes In The Wind

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, Gen, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-17
Updated: 2009-04-17
Packaged: 2017-12-03 11:24:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A picture of inner workings and outer repercussions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ashes In The Wind

**Author's Note:**

> Some of you will know why I chose the song I did... why I chose to write this in the first place. It's my own take and my own path. I don't want flack, okay? I needed to vent.  
> Beta Readers: elyachan, witheringwhite  
> Song[s]: "Inconvenient Ideal" by Dir en grey

Kyo POV

As with anything in life, there's only so far you can push yourself, so high you can climb and so far you can fall. The worst part of all is when you get so close to that peak, the summit you've been reaching toward for so many years and then you fall. You fall so hard and so fast that you can't hold onto anything to stop, you can't even see what you're passing by until you're flat on your ass at the bottom.

My descent started about a week ago. I could feel my voice becoming weaker and weaker, the wear on it from constant touring and recording taking its toll. I knew it wouldn't be long before perhaps my voice would simply crack on stage, maybe falter partway through a song. But I never expected what did happen, never thought I'd find myself apologizing to a full house, begging them to still love me even as I broke right in front of them.

The guys told me it was okay... hell, even the fans said it was. They sent me letters telling me that everything would be okay, to get better and they'd love me no matter what. News travels fast these days. It was, in a way, a comfort. To know that they cared enough to send letters they assumed would never get to me, to show their support in every way possible to me. But even all the support in the world can't hold you up when the lead weight inside you is determined to bring you down.

Management pushed back the shows and I was sent to the hospital. Bad news just kept piling up. Things I'd heard before, a few years ago, compounded and rolled into one. I couldn't even ask anyone for anything without writing it down or pointing at it. But it was worth it... to get back my career and my life, the voice I've been working so hard on these past few years.

As they say, the show must go on and tonight it has. At first, my voice is strong again, pulling from the resources of not being used for days. Halfway through Glass Skin, I can feel it slipping away again. It's rather like the tide; it comes in and then goes out, comes back in and then leaves me for even longer. Notes that should be strong and sharp, using every piece of what I have built for myself, fall short and flat... empty.

I can feel the descent begin again, but this time harder than before. There will be no apologizing, no begging. I want nothing more than to rip my soul out and sell it for these notes - the very same ones I created and pulled from myself over and over again. I want again to rip myself apart in front of them all, to give them my blood where I can't give them my voice.

The tremors start just as we launch into 'Inconvenient Ideal'. This isn't going to work. There was just no way. Such a song needs my all and I can't give them that... not even fifty percent of it. It's gone, it's eaten all away from inside me; drained and exhausted. I have no more to give.

The microphone slips through my fingers, hitting the stage with a thump. It's but a small sound to the rest of the world, but to me it echoes in my mind with a certain finality. My life as I had been seeing it, as I had been depending on it, changes and sways in front of my very eyes. My focus slips and for just a single moment, I see the end of it all. That's all it takes and I simply turn away, leaving the stage behind without a second thought. I have given them everything I could. Now I am but a shell of who they've come to see.

I stand in the back hallway, ignoring the staff who try to be helpful as I listen to two things at once: my world falling apart and the crowd out there, singing their hearts out to make up for my lack. Tears well in my vision and I curse myself for everything. For being sick, for not being able to give them my all, for walking off stage, for abandoning the rest of Dir en grey, and for these cursed tears that threaten to fall.

The accusations I'd been hearing tossed themselves around my mind. How I wasn't good enough, my voice sucked, that I didn't take good enough care of myself or how I should get more vocal lessons so this wouldn't happen. They don't understand... not that I can expect them to when I hide everything I do behind a veil of lies. All the same, the words sting like poison-tipped darts.

By the time the song ends, I'm sitting on the floor, holding my knees, wondering if they'll keep going without me. No one says a word, but the next song never starts. Footsteps flood the hallway and I know I'm in for it. They'll yell and scream and accuse me of doing exactly what I did... abandoning them. I expect the wave of anger and I deserve it. An apology would have made sense... a break I asked for would have made sense... leaving them in the middle of a song didn't.

But none of that happens. Shinya leans against the wall in front of me, studying me in a way he always does when he's worried. Toshiya ruffles my hair and continues down the hall to the bathroom, obviously having more pressing needs than figuring me out. Die kneels beside me and hesitantly reaches out to touch my knee. His hand is warm and solid there, like a much-needed anchor to reality. And Kaoru... Kaoru I expect to yell anyway. After all, it's his job.

He doesn't. Instead, he stands there over me and crosses his arms, looking incredibly tired. "Explain."

I swallow, unsure of how to respond to him, which version to tell him. Settling on the most basic of truths, I manage to whisper it to him... to them all now that Toshiya has reappeared. "My voice, I..." it cracks again, as if giving me a supporting case, "I can't give them my all."

It's Die who speaks up this time, completely overriding whatever Kaoru had opened his mouth to say. "Kyo, they understand. Everyone in that crowd knows you're having problems right now. No one blames you. They understand... damn it, Kyo! We understand!" His grip tightens on my knee as he pushes sweaty hair from his face and shakes his head. "You look like you think it's all over, but it isn't. We've been through so much and you've been pushing yourself harder and harder every single day. We see it and we know."

He stands up and fixes me with the most intense look I've ever seen on his face. "Either stand up and get back out there with us or leave. But if you leave, it's forever." To anyone else, it might sound harsh, might even sound unfair. But Die knows me and he knows what I've been thinking. When I could talk to no one else, it was always Die and his green glass bottle who would listen to me late into the nights. Some things never change and I know tonight he'll be there waiting on me. He's just telling me now isn't the time. Right now, we need to be out there, doing our jobs. Tonight, he'll be there for me, to listen and comfort in his own ways.

Die offers his hand to me, pulling me up from the floor and patting me on the back. "It'll all work out... it always does."

Ten minutes haven't even passed and we're heading back on stage as if we're starting over after an encore. Maybe we are. Or maybe this is just the beginning of the end. One thing is for certain, now is not the time to dwell on it. I'll apologize in my own way and we'll try to keep going... for them, for us... and for me. All the rest is but ashes in the wind.

**The End**  



End file.
